Isn’t it about time that we stopped telling people that they are ‘too nice’?

I was in a coaching conversation recently, and my client was reflecting on some feedback they had received after being informed that they had not been successful in being appointed to the senior leadership role they had applied for. It was within the company they had worked in for a significant amount of time. The feedback they had received was that they were just a bit too ‘nice’. The suggestion here from the interview panel, presumably, was that my client might not be able to ‘cut it’ in this new role, that they were not tough enough, although, interestingly, they had already sustained a successful leadership career within the same high-pressure commercial environment for many years. It left my client feeling confused, doubtful, insecure, and unclear of what to think and do in response. What was wrong with being nice – being pleasant, courteous, and agreeable? Why was this label a ‘bad’ one? What did it mean anyway? Why did it feel like an accusation – a highlighting of a flaw or weakness? My client understandably was left with more questions than answers and grappling to guess the intent behind the ‘accusation’. It’s not feedback that they could do a great deal with. What on earth did the interview panel hope to achieve by making that the core of their feedback to my client?

What were they thinking?

I have worked with other clients who have experienced the same scenario, receiving similar feedback.  As a pervasive form of criticism in business, this is the kind of thing I worry about and I would encourage all of us to stop telling people that they are too nice, inferring that this a deficiency in some way. After all, there are plenty of positive traits to be associated with ‘nice’ – positivity, helpfulness, patience, cooperation, caring, politeness, a person who give others the benefit of the doubt. These are traits to celebrate. They are much needed in our contemporary world of work, and we certainly do not want people to feel 'bad' about demonstrating them.

However, I suppose the question here is whether we can be too much of those things, too often, and if so, what might the impact be on us and others? Is there a perception (and is this true?) that if we are too nice, that other people might take advantage of us? Could we be seen as fickle and indecisive? Ironically, might others not trust us so much due to fear that our ‘niceness’ is a cover for a hidden agenda – an ulterior motive? Is there a risk that we will expect other people to be as ‘nice’ as we are, resulting in us quickly feeling resentful, disrespected, let down and annoyed when they don’t pass our niceness ‘test’? Could that lead to us feeling angry and being judgmental and unforgiving towards others when they are not as ‘nice’ as we are and could that impact on our working relationships, performance, and wellbeing?

Is that what we mean when we make the comment that someone is ‘too nice’?

Here are some thoughts on what our ‘too nice’ assessment of another person might actually be referring to.

·        We perceive the person as lacking the levels of assertiveness and influencing skills that are required.

·        We don’t trust the person. We don’t trust their niceness. They don’t come over as believable and we think that will be a barrier to them in their role - or perhaps it just makes us feel uncomfortable!

·        We think the person has a tendency to exhibit avoidance behaviours and make decisions based on what is easy or popular.

·        We think the person will struggle to set and reinforce boundaries because they are too focused on and worried about being liked and will find it difficult to say no.

·        We think they will be reluctant to speak up, challenge and disagree. We think they will be too focused on not ‘rocking the boat’ and not upsetting anyone.

·        We just don’t feel that the person will be tough and competitive enough.

If we think any of these things then I believe we need to say that, along with what has led us to draw that conclusion. To provide the objective evidence and supporting examples, because if we don’t then we are just passing on an opinion, a gut ‘feel’ assessment, and whilst that can serve us well in some situations it can also lead us very much astray, leading us to make unfair, disrespectful and discriminatory judgements and decisions.

I believe that we need to sharpen up our language, say what we mean, and provide evidence to support the assertions we make and the labels we pin on others. We need to consider the language we use and get a whole lot clearer and more specific, because when we don’t it can lead people to suffer, because they are left trying to figure out and guess what it was, our comments and feedback actually meant. It can lead them to question their identity and self worth.

We need to respect the person and play fair by them, giving them every opportunity to learn and grow on the back of useful, constructive, and evidence-based feedback along with the right support, guidance and coaching to move forward.

We also need to be aware that our perceptions of the other person can be very much based on our own experiences, values, biases, doubts, fears and blind spots and we should perhaps explore those a little further prior to us making any ‘too nice’ judgements of others if we are to make objective, fair and respectful assessments, and decisions on and about them.

I think we sometimes use ‘nice’ as a shorthand term and by doing so we are ourselves perhaps avoiding saying what might need to be said. It is, if you will, too nice to hide behind ‘too nice’. It becomes a lazy term, and I believe that we need to do better than that.

However, let's not dismiss 'nice' out of hand, as it has many valuable and worthy characteristics that are very much needed within the workplace and it is those that we need to recognise, reward and model.

Steven Hargreaves is the founder and director of ‘The Compassionate Leadership Company’. His first book, which this article is adapted from, ‘The Compassionate Leader’s Playbook’, is due to be published later this year.